Please reach out because You MATTER!!!! 

I'm sorry I've not been around much. I normally enjoy sharing photos on Instagram and spamming you with my slingy selfies. Truth be told I can't bare to look at photos of myself at the moment. Not many people know publicly because I worry how the stigma of mental illness could affect my business but I'm bipolar, with EUPD, anxiety and depression. My mood has dropped, the stress induced psychosis has flared back up and I don't feel as balanced on these meds as previously. I've also been getting really bad pain in my chest which tells me the panic attacks have gotten more intense. I've been struggling to leave the house unless my other half is with me to support me, I've been dragging myself through each day and functioning so I can look after my 3 little humans. Normally I'd power through and keep my game face on, pretend everything is OK. Now I feel tired of pretending. I have an illness and surely deserve to be able to have a better quality of life?? I MATTER, my happiness/sanity MATTERS. So I went to the gp, he was very dismissive, despite me telling him 3 times that I'm finding it harder to cope with the kids. He told me to utilise my access to cmht crisis desk, to which I told him I've called twice in a state. He told me to leave a message for the psychiatrist with his secretary to ask him to check into my meds. I've explained to everyone that I CANNOT increase the mood stabilisers any more or I won't manage to stay awake to take care of the kids (this was the psychiatrists `solution`the last time,despite telling him the meds make me feel sluggish etc even 4 years on!!!) The GP asked if I'd made a self-referral to psychology, to which I replied I had but the waiting list is lengthy. The GP told me to 'touch base' with them in 5-6 weeks if things don't improve. I told him that I wasn't sure I had the strength to fight this another 5 or 6 weeks. I'm at breaking point! He also said that since I'm not binging on alcohol or illegal drugs then I must be coping with my illness. Feeling deflated I left the surgery, the Dr hadn't even asked about self harm (I have a long history of this) or suicidal thoughts. I contacted cmht, the desk clerk told me she would email the psychiatrist's secretary but I've yet to hear anything or get another appointment through. Anyone with mental health issues knows it takes a LOT to ask for help and open up. Surely it costs the NHS less money to treat me now, sort out my medication (yes I've done med changes before so I know they aren't a walk in the park) and have the psychiatrist see me more regularly, than leaving me to reach absolutely breaking point, require an ambulance, possibly police and taking up valuable a&e resources?? I felt I had to share my experiences, if people more vulnerable are facing this type of service then no wonder suicide rates are so high. If they bravely reach out for help only to have a door slammed in their face then no wonder they go over the edge. I feel I am lucky I have my family, they give me the fight to carry on and battle my issues. But what about those with no-one to carry on for? I only hope the system does not fail them too, hence my speaking out. More needs to be to fix the broken part of the NHS that during this time of crisis and uncertainty is under more pressure than ever!

Please ask for help, I know it's hard especially when your head is screaming the opposite but YOU MATTER!!! ❤️

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